I was doing yoga today and my thoughts were on eating after. Nothing odd about that, but what I wanted was a rice cake with natural peanut butter and honey. This thought carried me to the kitchen right after and I sunk my teeth into a rice cake with natural peanut butter and honey and it was so perfect.
I’m worried I’m becoming Eva. I hope I don’t come across as smug or condescending. I do eat wheat, I even made some whole wheat muffins this morning. They’re pretty good, in my opinion.
But rice cakes? Who desires rice cakes? I cannot imagine myself wanting a rice cake four or five years ago. I’d buy and eat them occasionally, when I felt guilty about the rest of the crap I was eating and trying to feel like a better person. But I didn’t go into the kitchen looking forward to putting the thing in my mouth, not like today.
It’s a thought that has been coming up lately, how I’m different from when Jerry was alive and now, how I’ve changed. I wonder what he would think about it and how he would feel.
I’m eating healthier foods, I don’t eat a lot of stuff I used to, that he loved. Macaroni and cheese, we were both big fans of it, partly because it was cheap and we were broke. The last time I had macaroni and cheese was before Easter and that was Annie’s mac and cheese. I haven’t had a craving for it since.
Another big change is I’m learning to cook. Really cook, making things from scratch. I credit my daughter-in-law for this, she grew up in a household where there were no convenience foods. Scratch is what she knows and I’ve been encouraged by her to try making new things. It’s ironic that I’m finally learning to cook after my husband is dead and he can’t enjoy it. Or sympathize with my mishaps, he was good about eating almost anything.
Places I would never go to, like little local coffee shops and natural grocery stores, are places I go to now. I considered them and the people who went there pretentious. To be honest, some probably are. The punk lurking in my soul said no. Jerry was a very practical person and he didn’t trust a lot of hype. He would avoid these kinds of places and the people in them, preferring to go to Wal-mart where stuff was cheap and nobody was trying to impress anybody.
I get that. But since the pandemic became a crisis and real I’m using chai to self-medicate. I can now make my own but sometimes the ritual of going to a coffee shop to pick up my online chai order is comforting as much as the tea. I know he’d think $4 or $6 is too much for a cup of tea and he would be right. But darn I want it and I know if he were here he would probably sigh when I bought it. At least I think he would.
Because another thing is if he were still alive what would he be like now? All I know is what he was like five years ago. That’s a long time. I’ve changed and he would be different too. Maybe he would be okay with my chai habit. Maybe he would like knowing organic bananas don’t cost much more than regular ones. This is a deep well of thinking, to speculate on what you can’t see or reach. I can’t know, I can only guess and some of my guesses would be wrong.
I’ve changed and adapted. In some ways I’m a better and healthier person. But there’s the nagging feeling of not being able to share this with him. It’s guilt. I’m here and he’s not. It isn’t fair. So when I look at the changes in my life I wonder would he approve? Would he recognize me? Would he still like me? I’m hoping so.
quichepuppy 