Selfie fails




Classic resting bitch face


So fake


Incredibly fake


Scared or incredulous,  take your pick


Smug, my final choice

Jerry always tried to get me to smile in pictures but it didn’t look right. I have a serious case of Resting Bitch Face, there’s nothing anybody can do about it.  It didn’t help that I hated having someone take my picture. In our wedding video I give the camera guy the fish eye at one point.

Jerry didn’t like having his picture taken either but when he smiled it looked genuine. It often was.


Jerry being himself

I’m trying to take a decent picture to post on LinkedIn, my current pic sucks rocks.  I usually look pissed off, incredulous or fake, especially when I smile, it is so not me. But I don’t want to look hostile and scare people and I worry that my being older, something quite obvious, does not put off people either.

Jerry didn’t care, he was comfortable with himself. He took great pride in pointing out that Brad Pitt had gray in
his beard too. But I think he’d be irritated that growing a beard is trendy now, he had a beard in high school. When people thought it meant you were a hippie, stoner, anarchist or something worse, not from here.  The only person who touched the beard was Larry, his barber for 27 years.

It’s hard to find a job when you’re old. Older. When interviewers ask why I want to move I have to tell them about Jerry. They usually say something like “I’m sorry,” there’s a brief moment and then it moves on. Which is what I’m trying to do, more or less.

He would encourage me to try and do better. Even though it wasn’t true he would say I was the smartest person he knew and made me believe it.


Anyone who has applied for a job online has probably come across a Taleo application at some point. Taleo has an exact match keyword search that kicks out applicants if you do not meet a narrow and specific criteria. I hate them, feel a sense of hopelessness and defeat when I see Taleo on the top of the page because I know I’m doomed. Even if I meet the qualifications.

I’ve been weeded out of jobs and while there are different reasons why nearly every time the company used Taleo. So I take it personally,  from Taleo not necessarily the company.

I’m still out there trying, including cover letters hoping they might counterbalance the evil prejudice of Taleo but not really expecting it to work. My previous job titles are probably to blame and I acknowledge that seeing “bookseller” in my past is not going to fire up many potential employers. Not even Barnes and Noble, I applied for a job in Tukwila and got turned down. They used Taleo.

Walking again

The first fitness post I’ve written in awhile.

I walked today for the first time in well,  nearly a month. I went to the river and told myself it would be a short walk since it had been awhile, I figured maybe an hour. I did an hour and half, going a little further than I planned.

I didn’t push myself, I did sweat a little but that was it. I don’t know how far I went but it wasn’t about that, it was getting back into the habit. I wanted to know I could still do this and I was a little worried I might not, that what conditioning I had was gone. I’m probably not as strong as before the move but I haven’t lost it, not completely. It felt good.

I stopped at the halfway point where I turned around to take these pictures. Then when I finished I went to Sonic for a diet cherry limeade. I felt I earned it.



the job search

This is turning into an account of my rather dull job search and attempt to relocate to another part of the country. It’s only of interest to me and this is mainly a way to keep track of which jobs have closed, which are still open and where I stand in the process.

I admit I forgot how long the process can be, from the time a job is posted or officially opened to the close date, to sifting through applicants, scheduling interviews and finally deciding on a winner. A job can remain open indefinitely, especially with a high turnover position. Accepting applications for a month or longer isn’t that unusual I’ve learned as well.  Which means waiting, being anxious and counting the days on the calendar and constantly checking email becomes a regular thing.

I have received a couple of rejections, which I am grateful for, oddly enough. At least they put me out of my misery and now I know. Even when the answer is no the wondering part is finally over and I can go on to the next job and worry about it.

I received my third rejection this morning, from the job fair interview with a local company. I should be disappointed and let down but strangely enough I am relieved. Because if they offered it to me I might have said yes and that would have ended my relocation hopes. If I said no I would be wondering if I made a huge mistake and start kicking myself for it. By telling me no they took that burden off my shoulders.

I checked my remaining applications, so far 9 remain open and accepting applications so I’m still in the running. There is hope, for now. I still haven’t heard from the Seattle company I applied with last week but followed up and confirmed they received my faxed application. So I got that going for me, for now. I know that I may not hear from any of them until sometime next month.

I’m still applying for jobs but only ones that I really want, that pay enough and are with companies I want to work with. I’m being more selective because it cuts down on record-keeping and because I’m picky, lazy and want to cut down on the number of rejections.

Right now I wonder about what I ‘m going to do. I can stay with my sister, kick in for bills and save a lot by not paying rent, pulling out money from savings for a deposit for an apartment I might not need for long. Yet I know this isn’t a realistic long term solution. We aren’t going to be a cute sitcom family like Full House who get along and have no problems. We’d be more like Mob Wives, but without the gangbanger spouses/dads. Also my pets have fleas despite the flea meds. Her cat has been gone over a month and she’s talking about getting another kitten when she comes home. So there’s that.

I’m trying to be patient, to pray and depend on God. I lit a candle last week for my job search. I am calling in favors. But like one of my yoga teachers says, be in the moment,  don’t worry about later, just be for now. So I try not to speculate too much on what I can’t control and do what I can, for now. It’s harder than I thought.


Sounds better than laziness but amounts to much the same thing. I don’t seem to be doing anything. I’m not working, the move is over and every day is a blank space I have to fill some way.

I should look at this as a vacation, time off, time to relax.

I went to a job fair yesterday and had a 10 minute interview before seeing the door again. I applied for 3 jobs today, 2 here and 1 in Seattle. I don’t know if any of these or any of the other applications I’ve filled out will come to anything.  I am trying to stay hopeful and remind myself it takes time. HR depts do not move quickly,  there are delays of all kinds, be patient I tell myself. Some days I seesaw between anxiety and fear. Other days it’s denial. I worry that the fact I don’t live in WA is keeping me from finding work there, that employers don’t want to deal with someone who will have to move 2,000 miles, that it’s easier to pick someone who already lives in the area.

Another concern is my weight. Frankly I eat a lot of junk food and have done some emotional eating. Granted it’s usually protein bars but it’s still chocolate and soothing. I haven’t walked in over 2 weeks. I went to yoga last night for the first time in 2 weeks. Moving took up all my time and energies, I couldn’t do anything else and I didn’t. Now that it’s over I’m not bouncing back like I thought I would. The spandex in my jeans is working harder now. I’m not scared but there’s a feeling of shame and guilt when I get dressed now. Ah, Shame and Guilt, it’s been awhile,  I almost missed you.

The occasional sense of fear, when I remember stories of people who had bypasses and then regained the weight they lost. I have worked hard to keep my weight down but any gain spurs the fear of gaining it all back. It may not be healthy but I know I’m not going back. Back to diabetes meds, taking my sugar 2 times a day, being less strong and flexible, feeling large and awkward (as opposed to just awkward) and having to  buy bigger clothes, no way. But I know I’ll feel better when my jeans feel loose, and when I get a job. I know the job is the bigger goal but I really want to feel comfortable in my clothes again.


I bought this backrest today at a garage sale. The highlight of my day.

Job Update: I got a call from the job fair people and they scheduled an interview for me on Monday. Relief and anxiety kicked in. Then I got a call from Seattle to fill out an application here ro be faxed to them. Excitement joined relief and anxiety. I’m trying to stay stable, do my best and see what if anything comes of either one. I admit I am bullish on Seattle but will not say no to any job offered to me without thinking long and hard.

Too Tired to Sleep

Which is why I’m watching Today Show reruns and making my pets do the same.

I officially moved out of the apartment today, took out everything and turned in my keys. I’m done.


I also moved to a bigger storage locker and it took 3 hours to transfer everything in the old one and most of the stuff in my overcrowded car. I begged leniency from the security guard who was going to kick me out. Then it began to get later and I asked my sister and her husband to help me, something I dreaded doing. They have to be prodded to help and she seems to resent it when I ask, so I don’t. But this was an emergency, I did not want to be here alone especially as it grew darker and after 2 1/2 hours I was tired. I knew my extension was almost up too.

I’ve griped to myself about having to do this all by myself but truth is I haven’t. I gave the bed frame away, hired movers and my brother-in-law helped me haul stuff to Goodwill and tonight helped me haul stuff again. I tried to give him money and he said give it to her. I tossed it on his lap and said to buy icees for her and my nephew, who also came along. I hope they did, I went to Sonic and had another diet cherry limeade before going to my other sister’s house where my pets and I are staying. So another example of having people do for me. I have not stopped griping altogether but humbly admit that I have not done everything by myself. If my brother-in-law hadn’t come I wouldn’t have finished for another hour, maybe longer and done it in a deserted storage complex in the dark while constantly looking over my shoulder hoping I wouldn’t be a crime story on the morning news. So I owe some people, including the exasperated security guard and office manager who okayed my stay after hours.

I still have stuff, brought by the movers, to haul over there. I plan to do that in the morning and I plan to write a thank you note to the office manager. Then my move, this one, will be over. I can devote myself to finding a job and place to live here though I hope I get offered
a job in Seattle before that. That’s so far ahead mentally, I just want to finish this then maybe my thinking can shift to something else.

It’s almost like a race. Not trying to beat my best time or compare myself to how others around me seem to be doing but that self pacing, when nothing else and no one else matters. I measure distance by objects, that tree, make it to that tree then past a sign, a bench, those sarcastic looking geese ahead. I notice how I feel, if there’s a pain in one or both of my feet, if breathing is getting hard to do, my heartbeat, even wiping sweat out of my eyes and hoping my contacts don’t come out too. All of this and more, if I need to tie one of my shoes or if I can keep going and how long. It’s a test of my endurance, how much I can take and how much I can do.