I think I’ve said this before, but Oklahoma wind is a mother. On Sunday I decided to walk, no, to run. I went out to the lake and saw only a few cars, and there was a good reason, 30 mph winds. There were a few masochistic cyclists and me, I saw only a few other people on foot and most of them looked miserable as well.

The walk forward wasn’t so difficult as the wind was at my back. However the wind was so strong I felt like I was being pushed forward, propelled to run and fighting that urge was harder than I expected. The walk back was something else.

I had forgotten how loud wind can be. The sound of the wind beating against my body, rushing past me had a roaring that stunned me. It drowned out the sound of my playlist and even popped out one of my earbuds at one point, as if I should forget it was there and it not to be ignored.

When I reached the halfway mark, about 1.5 miles, I thought “bring it” and headed into the noisy mess.I felt strong. A little further along I actually said to myself “this bitch is not going to defeat me.” How I know or believe the wind is female, well, I just do. Those eight words sustained me and became a mantra. I am not a lightweight, not tiny or petite but even Godzilla would have had some trouble dealing with this wind. Besides the air there was dirt floating out there, red dirt that got onto my face and my mouth. I could feel the grit on my tongue as I kept walking. There was a mini dust bowl, lack of rainfall kept much of the shore exposed. Places that were once underwater now had vegetation and geese sitting on top. It was so strong even the feral cats stayed inside. They were probably playing cards. Or video games.

It took me what seemed like forever and ever to finally get to my starting point. It was an hour and 42 minutes. A walk that would usually take a little more than an hour, but I was slower, my usual pace wasn’t possible, not for the long haul. My nose started to run, I had dirt in my mouth and the only thing motivating me, besides finishing, was an almond croissant I had in my car.

I finished my walk, feeling better than I had expected. I could still breathe, I wasn’t cold anymore and my energy was up. I want to think it was endorphins but it was the croissant and the perverse pride of being only one of a few people dedicated or insane enough to be out in that wind.

There was an email for the Remember the 10 5K and 10K race in April in my inbox. I’ve never done this race, never done a 10K but I’m thinking of doing it. It’s the week before the Memorial race. I’m hoping to convince Bear to do the Memorial 5K and need something else to get me motivated.

the widow playlist (wip)

This is a collection of songs that stuck out to me, poked me and said “listen.” Something in each of these has weight and importance, relevance to my situation. I don’t want to overthink it but just listen and let it sink in. I will probably add songs as needed but for now this is what I need.

Halo, Depeche Mode

From the Devotional tour, my favorite version because Dave is on heroin and broken. You can see his separation from the band in the staging. Despite what he’s doing to his body his voice is ironically at its peak here and he is still Dave freakin’ Gahan, nothing can or will change that. The chorus assures us that Dave is stronger than his demons, that even if we/he deserve it, it will be worth it. Even sick, skinny and broken he’s still amazing. Also see below.

Walking In My Shoes, Depeche Mode

Perfect, Pink

I love this song and it should be required listening for girls from birth on up. It will do more for you than any self help book or ‘good’ advice about what you should do now you’re alone. Listen on repeat as much as needed.

Rescue, Yuna

I read somewhere she wrote this song after hearing about the experiences of female refugees at the UN, women from war-torn countries who lost nearly everything but survived. If they can so can I.

This is currently my favorite song. The video is just, so, just watch and soak it in. Soak it all in and watch again.

Update, nine more months down the road I heard this and knew I wanted to add it to the Playlist. Sitting in the drive-thru at Sonic I listened to it and the following lines were beautiful to me, the honesty and sentiment conveyed were nothing short of perfect.

I’ve got nothing left
It’s kind of wonderful, because there’s nothing they can take away

There’s more, but it’s a song of failure, loss and futility but what can you do besides get up every day and just go on? The songwriter may have had a totally different intention and meaning in these words but this is what I heard. It’s my interpretation, based on my experience and world view. So there.

Finally this one. Jerry would tell me that I was beautiful  and in his eyes I was. I would argue with him, and admit I refused to believe it. He wasn’t someone who flattered people or exaggerated, he was low-key and quiet. When he said something he meant it, He liked this song, but I think he mostly liked Bruno’s hat. Either way it reminds me of him and the things he’d say,“>http://

story of a protein bar

new version

new version



old vs new, side by side

old vs new, side by side

More like the evolution of a protein bar, my favorite food source was revised and I’m not really thrilled about the changes. The photos tell the story–smaller bars. The new ones are 1.59 ounces while the old ones were a more substantial 1.76. They did shave off 20 calories but it also lost 3 grams of protein. Not a huge loss but darn. They did not increase the price and I am grateful for that.
The next question is “how does it taste? ” The taste is about the same, maybe a little better. But I did my taste test with a new fresh 1.59 bar and a 1.76 bar that’s been sitting on top of my fridge for a week so that should be considered. I scarfed them both, in the interest of science and the protein bar enthusiasts out there (hi to both of you).

One downside of being a bariatric surgery patient is having to plan your meals by volume. No five course dinners or pigouts at Golden Corral for you, lest you be miserably, possibly violently, sick. Although most people are encouraged to eat more fruits and vegetables if you do you run the risk of missing some basic nutrients, protein the main one. If, like me, you are no longer a carnivore getting your protein is not easy. Which is why I practically live on the things. That these are double chocolate makes it a little nicer. The Life Choice people are not paying me or sending me free bars so I am not obligated to them, which is a good thing because I”m bummed over the changes.

They are smaller, longer but flatter, have less protein but seem proud of it. I hate a smug protein bar. I’ll eat it but just want it to know that while I’m crushing it with my teeth. I’ll continue to buy and eat these bars but I feel like some level of trust is gone and it’s not the same.

anger, really?

I’ve done some observation of widowhood and what is typical widow behavior, mostly sadness and trying to put on a brave face so people won’t cringe from you. Being noble, stoic and good, being lonely and pitied, all sympathetic states of being. There is one unexpected reaction too–anger.

Widow, the book by Lynn Caine, mentions it. She was pissed at her husband for dying, she claims. While I’m not mad at Jerry, I am angry for some surprising reasons. Surprising and selfish reasons, slightly embarrassing reasons like being mad that I’m alone and will be alone the rest of my life. I am a solitary person by nature, don’t like crowds and can be by myself without feeling lonely. Most of the time I prefer to be alone so the realization that I am permanently alone didn’t give me peace but irritated me instead. I also know I will be celibate the rest of my life and while I’m not thrilled about it know it’s part of being alone and I just need to suck it up. That part of life, a romantic life, is over and it makes me sad. And a little angry, not a big angry just a
small angry along with some disappointment and frankly this surprised me. I am embarrassed to admit I’m hyper aware of attractive men, mostly younger ones which makes me feel lousy and like I’m a pathetic old lech.

I don’t intend to date, to have a relationship with quote marks around it. The idea makes me queasy and feels repugnant. While it is fine for others and I wish them luck I know I want no part of it. So why am I upset? It could be ego, knowing no one wants you or that you are not desirable is what is bothering me. I will get over it, I know, but it still smarts.

I am tired, physically and mentally. I woke up at 4am and lay there until 5. Then when I came home Bear told me the monument place called, they set Jerry’s headstone yesterday. Bear also mentioned it will be six months that his dad has been gone this Sunday. It’s been on my mind as well, I don’t know what if anything I expected it to be like. I’m only really aware of him when I’m in the bedroom where he died. I don’t feel anything, no presence but I try to step carefully over the area where he lay.

New Year’s day

I stayed home last night, listened to the Wings beat the Devils and made the last batch of Scooby Snacks. Bear stayed home too, he’s still getting over his cold but said he got happy new year’s greetings from Germany and China.

We stayed up til midnight. When we woke up the streets had iced over and travel was discouraged. I learned about the black ice firsthand when I took Olive out and I fell, ripping my jeans. We had our black-eyed peas and decided not to go to the movies.I planned to go to yoga too but now there’s no way.

It’s a low-key beginning. It’s probably what we would have done if Jerry were here, eat, watch Netflix and stay in. It’s
different from last year when it was him and me, both wondering about Bear and what
the year would be like. I don’t know how this year will be, what will happen but in all honesty we never know. It’s a good thing in most cases.The only thing I can imagine is I’ll enter the next year in a
different place, possibly a different city. A different job, climate and even different life. Wherever I am I plan to be with Olive and that gives me reassurance.

Now I’m going to read, finish the laundry and hope to see the last period of the Winter Classic. Happy New Year’s day to all.