I’m having my 2nd sugar-free ice pop in a row. The weather was beautiful, early spring warm and sunny, hard to believe it’s still January. So I walked at the lake today, me and about half the town were out there. I did an hour and ten minutes, no idea how far I went because I didn’t wear the pedometer. It was half on purpose and half forgetfulness. In a way I don’t want to know how slow I am, I don’t want to feel discouraged. Yet I am a little curious so next time I’ll put it on and remind myself I am built for endurance and not speed. Slow and steady finishes the race, it may not win it but it will finish that #$%^. Hm, maybe I should have that put on a t-shirt at cafepress.

I’m trying to stay on target, to move more and to get into condition. Not “shape” since technically I do have a shape (tetrahedron) but the goal is not to be cute and fit into a bathing suit but to get stronger. And for my butt to not feel loose when I walk. I saw one of my former co-workers yesterday, she’s an older woman and was telling me about her bad back, how she hurts when she gets out of a chair the wrong way and how much pain it causes her. And I’ve seen older women and some not older than me at work who walk with canes. I am determined to not be like this and I plan to take yoga classes, walk (and hopefully run again) as long as possible, to avoid being an unhealthy old broad. The old part, I have no choice but I dread being decrepit and want to live a long happy healthy life. I’d like to wear a smaller size in jeans and clothes in general too, so that’s another goal but it’s really slow going.

I also went to confession today, the first time in months. And it took awhile, I had a lot to confess.When I finished the priest was quiet for awhile then he said to pray for patience, with myself, with God and with others. I expected him to give me a heavy penance, a dozen rosaries at least. He didn’t, I even asked and he said no, that’s all, just pray. Then he absolved me and I left, with tears running down my face. I thought about this while I was walking. Patience is not my thing, like Ed Gruberman I say “Patience yeah, how long’s that gonna take?” But I know he’s right. I want to achieve my goals and see results right away. I don’t mind putting in the effort but when I don’t see any evidence that I’ve made a difference I feel discouraged and want to give up. I am going to ask for patience, with others, myself and with God. Sometimes it’s easier to be patient with other people than it is with an omnipotent God but I need to cut Him some slack as well. Myself too, I am going to try to see the journey and not just what ‘s in front of me, to be unhappy with circumstances and stuff I can’t change.

I learned my gym membership didn’t expire like I had thought; I saw they took out the auto-pay this month and had to wait to pay my phone bill. I tried to cancel online but had to go in person and was a little bummed when I learned I wouldn’t be getting a refund. The upside is I have access to the gym until the middle of next month. So til then I intend to use it, especially when the weather is cold and it’s dark outside. Hopefully it will be getting warmer by then and I can walk at the lake more often and increase my distance. Maybe even increase my speed but again, patience.



It’s been three months since the last post and it is a new year. There have been some major changes, the main change is I’m living with my ex-husband again. That’s a long weird story I’ll save for another time but right now I’m adjusting to him again and he’s doing the same though he’s made more progress than I have. Olive has made more than both of us; she’s mistress of the house and thoroughly settled in. The other creature affected by this is Porkchop, who stays in the back bedroom and avoids Olive.

I planned to see the new year in at a midnight yoga class but Bear called from China and we talked to him. He is well despite the pollution and losing weight, due to all the walking, including the three flights of stairs to his apartment. I’ve been going to yoga only once a week, being less active and almost comatose compared to where I was this time last year. The Elvis race is in a week and there’s the Freeze Your Face Off, both are 5Ks and I wish I could do either or both but I’m in no condition. I might be able to walk 5K but I’d be slow and disgusted with myself.

I want to blame my job, because I’m sedentary most of the day and the only exercise I get is walking 1 flight of stairs in the morning and evening when I leave. I’ve not lost the 10 pounds I gained in October and I’ve gained 5 more since. I could blame the holidays as well, being shut up inside with lots of food, especially food brought to work by some really excellent cooks as well as taste testing all the Scooby Snacks I made for Christmas for  “quality control.” Then there’s the emotional upheaval, of leaving my place under duress and finding myself back here, feeling deja vu most days.

Whatever the reasons I know the solution is simple, exercise more and eat fewer calories. Eat and drink fewer calories. The eating is the easy part, thanks to my tiny stomach but I notice I tend to snack instead of eating regular meals and I can put away a lot of food over the course of a day. I’m having more trouble exercising, partly due to the weather and partly due to the fact I’m naturally lazy. I bought a copy of Shape last month, with an airbrushed Mary J. Blige on the cover. If Mary J. can be this old and look this good I can too but so far I haven’t done more than 2 sit-ups.


I let my gym membership lapse because I never used the darn thing, though ironically my job offers a discount on memberships there so I could be paying less for a gym I don’t use. Still let it go and considered the Indian Clinic gym, which is free if out of the way and their hours are shorter.  So I’m thinking about an exercise bike. I thought about a treadmill but with all my stuff boxed and stacked everywhere here there is no room, besides the cost of a bike versus a treadmill. I am going by the Indian Clinic gym tomorrow after work to see what their hours are and ask what their busiest hours are and try not to be there then. It’s a start.  I have 2 things to motivate me, my next appt with The Gorn is in April and I want to be fitter, more healthy and weigh less when I go back. The other thing is yup, the Memorial Marathon. I’m feeling like a poser driving around with that 13.1 sticker on my car, knowing I can’t do 3 flights of stairs without breathing hard.  I don’t intend to do the half again, it would be nice but realistically I don’t think I could do it, starting as late as this but I can do the 5K. I can and will, I want the shirt and that little medal. I saw this as well and think I’d like to do it too, it isn’t until June and I can see myself doing it, maybe even surviving this thing. It’s a cool shirt too.


I got a big ego boost of sorts today and a warning. On my way to the parking lot a woman asked me my name. She was smoking and started to talk to me. She introduced herself, she works in the department next to mine. She asked me why I always walked with my head down and never looked up. She told me she thought I was beautiful and I joked “You’re trying to make friends, right?” She said she wondered why I did this and that it was a fat person’s behavior, it meant you were ashamed and felt you were worthless. I said it was mostly so I didn’t fall over my feet (true) but she had something. I told her about my bypass and that  it could be a holdover from that. She was nice and I was surprised that she noticed. I wasn’t aware I’d been doing it. As for beautiful,  I don’t agree but it was nice to hear, especially from another woman.