getting back into it

I went for a hour long walk last Friday and it felt good. I don’t know how far I went or how fast, my priority was just getting back out there. While I was out there I let my mind wander, I tried not to think about stuff, all of Jerry’s business that needs to be tended to and my obligations. I had one strong thought and that I want to do the Juke Joint Jog in Stillwater. I’ve signed up for it twice before and both times stuff happened and kept me from going. But for some reason the idea came back and I told myself I’m going to do it. It’s in five weeks, which I hadn’t considered at the time. I believe I can do it, I have to keep walking, keep going and be diligent, not walking once a week when I feel like it.

I will sign up on Friday, payday and hope the third time’s the charm. I admit my motivations are varied and one of them is the promise of Joe’s cheese fries.

three weeks

It’s been 3 weeks since Jerry died. I wrote “has been gone” then changed it since it was too passive and I don’t want to use weak euphemisms instead of simple, more accurate words.

The official business of death, the dreary stuff that comes after the funeral and the condolences, is what I’m working on now. I took his mom to the airport and got her off safely, I canceled his gym membership, had his car’s insurance policy canceled and transferred to mine, sent some steaks to the guy who broke the news about Jerry to his mom, got a certified copy of our divorce decree, made an appt with Social Security, and met with an attorney. The attorney was a colossal waste of time, I could have found more info online and not have had to take off from work to do it. I am also looking for a new probate attorney.

I’m house hunting too, more like condo hunting since I realized the cost of new appliances and maintenance, and the thought of mowing my own lawn did not appeal to me. It’s been illuminating, there are lots of cheap houses out there, most of the ones in my price range are in scruffy neighborhoods, some of which have been featured on the local news and not in a good light. But there are some houses I’d consider, if I was planning to do the work and make the effort. I admit I’m not looking to settle into a place forever, even if I am considering buying because frankly I’ve wanted out of this town since I was a kid and some little voice says “time’s running out, and you don’t have any more excuses, not really.” Since most of my family has passed on and I’m not really close to those left there’s not much holding me here. Even Bear is moving on, he plans to settle somewhere else with greater opportunity, better public transportation and better museums. The only advantage this city has, in his opinion, is the Mexican food. Myself I’d like to find a city with more bookstores. But that’s farther down the line, right now I have to find a new place to live and soon. I’m going to pursue an Indian home loan and hope I can find a place and get approved by the end of the month.

I’ve gone back to yoga and felt better after. The breathing and stretching helped the tension in my back and shoulders, something I hadn’t been aware of until after I noticed the tightness was gone. I have gone to walk only a few times with Bear but they were short walks, about a mile. I want to get back into the habit of walking 2-3 times a week and slowly increasing my distance. I’m not in the same physical condition and I am beginning to feel it and don’t like it. I miss having the energy to keep going and not have to slow down. I know a lot of this is the shock and changes we’re all having to face but my body is starting to rebel. One of the books on grief that I read claimed that regular exercise helps people heal faster and feel better, even short walks were helpful. So if I think of it as therapeutic maybe I’ll be more inclined to go.

I’ve been listening to a lot of DM and I usually hit repeat when this song plays.