Contradiction

A lot of life, my life anyway, is a contradiction. I want to be strong and fit but I don’t want to do anything that requires effort. One new contradiction has appeared, like a zit you notice when you are brushing your teeth in the morning. An irritating surprise you hope no one notices, that you hope goes away soon.

After my husband passed away nearly 3 years ago I knew I’d be alone the rest of my life. I could not, cannot imagine ever dating or getting married again. The idea repulsed me at first, and just considering the idea made me feel guilty and odd. I still feel it is not for me, and I’m okay with being alone and celibate. I am not ecstatic about it but comfortable and peaceful with it.

I acknowledge that I am a solitary person, with my peculiarities and I’m old enough to know what makes me content, to surround myself with books, music and those things that I enjoy. I don’t worry that my likes or opinions are not typical for a middle-aged woman in this part of the world. I’m finally comfortable with my weirdness and frankly don’t give a flying rat’s butt anymore.

Part of being deviant is being alone, having no desire to “get out there.” Some widows do date, want to date, have romantic relationships and even get married again. I think most people want this for widows, to restore balance and in some cases, for economic reasons. I have nothing against widows living their lives and if dating is part of it, fine, but it’s not for me.

So I am an old weird broad, and accept that I’m alone. I did consider what my options would be and they were not good. As an old woman my dating pool would be old farts. Likely boring old dudes who want someone to take care of them. Schedule their doctor’s appointments, do their laundry, clean and cook, be a nurturer and someone who essentially puts her needs aside for his. That is not me, I don’t want to take care of some cranky sick old man but hey, fortunately there are women who do. Some will even do it for free, if marriage or living together (shacking up, as my aunt used to say) is offered. I’m honest and admit I’m not little and cute so that’s another reason I’m not a good candidate. I am selfish, I enjoy my freedom and independence. I haven’t had the luxury of being allowed to be selfish for long and admit it can be wonderful to do what I want without having to consider someone else. No way I’m giving this up, not for servitude in exchange for economic security (if I was lucky) or being part of a couple so I had something to talk and gripe about.

The main reason though is I had a good husband. He was kind to me, loved me, was a good father and a good man. He put up with my weird little self, even enjoyed some of it and tolerated the rest without much complaint. I would not find someone else as kind and decent who would cherish my weird introverted personality and put up with me, that I could put up with in turn. My husband was a jealous man, though he never had anything to worry about and if I did date I’d worry he would be upset.

So I’ve established my position and reasons why I’m alone and plan to stay this way. Now for the contradiction.

I want a companion, someone to lie in bed next to me at night, to talk with, to go places with, that I can depend on, who is interesting, has my back, laughs at my jokes, does nice things for me because it makes us both happy, that I can do nice things for as well, that I can trust and lean on whenever I need it. Not much really. Oh, and thinks I’m pretty neat. And this extraordinary person needs to be male because I’m straight. It would be a bonus if he looked and sounded like Dave Gahan.


Yet I don’t want a romantic type relationship, don’t want to date or {shudder} meet people.

The next inevitable step is to get a cat. Already have one and neither of us wants another cat.

Thanks fanpop.com for the great picture and youtube user Eddu Sounds for the video

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