Wallowing in it



I spent the day wallowing in my pajamas. I slept in, missed Mass, listened to my Wings lose to Florida and spent the rest of the day online. The weather is cold, icy and thoroughly unpleasant so it wasn’t hard staying in. We are one of the fortunate households to have electricity; many people lost power due to blown transformers and broken tree limbs taking down power lines.

I got into the Cyber Monday spirit a day early. I bought Bear a set of cheap dishes and a t-shirt.

Bear’s shirt. I want one too

I browsed a lot, for him and admittedly for me too. I bought his dishes on Bed, Bath and Beyond because they are one of the few retailers who ship to Vietnam. Then I started looking at the kitchen dept and thinking about the stuff I’ll need to buy once I get my own place again. This is something I’ve thought about since I’ve been at my sister’s and I’m thinking about it more now.

A lot has to happen before I can do this and buy things again. I need to find a job and even then it will probably be a month before i can afford to move. I try not to think about this, depressing and somewhat discouraging. I could go back to my old job but frankly I couldn’t live on what they paid me. Most of the people there had husbands, boyfriends, roommates or lived with their parents. The two single people I knew had part-time jobs to help pay their bills. Besides the lousy pay I had to deal with drama on a daily basis. Even though I could use that lousy pay now I don’t regret leaving. I still believe it was the right decision.

I like looking at all of these online things, the ridiculous and unnecessary as well as the affordable and practical. I’ve browsed other sites, Ikea is another one I dream and think about. I know my needs are fairly modest, it’s just me and two animals and none of us are rich. I won’t need to furnish a huge house, but it’s nice to look and compare sofas, beds and dining room sets versus matching up tables and chairs. I could spend a fortune on linens; I have spent a lot of time just looking at towels. It’s daydreaming but it’s a form of hope, believing that things will get better and that I will get a life.

Not my old life, although I miss it sometimes I know it’s gone. It was ending when Bear first moved overseas but Jerry’s death finalized it. I know I can stay here but this isn’t home. I want a place where I can spread out; where I have my own bed; my own room; watch TV if and when I want and have my own bathroom again.

Yet I admit I’m anxious about being alone at night. Although I will have the protection of a fierce chihuahua, being comfortable enough to sleep through the night uninterrupted is something I can’t imagine. I know I have to learn and I will but wonder how long it will take me.

She is small and fierce20151128_134007_zpsvxnq0jom



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