It’s been a rough week and it’s only Tuesday. I’m including the past seven days, to make it an actual week. So in one week the following has (or not) occurred.

  • 3 email rejections for jobs I applied
  • My hockey team lost 3 games, 1-0, 3-2 and 3-1
  • No answer for my library volunteer query
  • No answer for my writers group query
  • No answer from temp agency for jobs applied

Even though my Wings beat the Senators last night it was a hold-your-breath victory in sudden death overtime and they played adequately but not great, going from a 2 point lead in the first period to a 3-3 tie by the end of the game. Still a win is a win and I haven’t had many lately so I can’t complain. Much.

The email rejections are almost routine now, I look at my inbox and just sigh when I see them. I can spot them easily, but will still open it and read it. Just in the farfetched case it could be an interview. It never is.The only good thing is I don’t get them every day, that would be a soul crusher.

The hockey season goes on til April and things can change, so my team will persevere and probably, no, will make the playoffs. We got Pasha back, anything is possible.  Don’t stop believin.’

Now the big blows, getting rejected for offering my help and for wanting to possibly join a group. I’m not asking about a paying job, I’m offering my labor and myself and still getting rejected. That hurts, my ego has suffered some damage from job hunting but I foolishly thought if I offered my services for free I’d get a taker. The writers group looks interesting and I think I’d like to join but the dues are $95 a year and I don’t know if I want to do that. For me that money represents gas, dog and cat food, food for me, bills and diet cherry limeades and I do not want to part with it.  Although no reply is not automatically a rejection it feels like it. I admit I was looking forward to hearing from both of these, hoping they would get my mind off being unemployed, get me out of the house, meet some new people, maybe learn a few things and finally feel like I was accomplishing something. It’s also painful because I feel like I’m being rejected from what I’ve come to consider my kind of people, namely readers and writers, book people, those people who didn’t fit in growing up. And now they’ve excluded me.

I will expect another couple of job rejections,  even though I haven’t submitted many applications lately. It’s just depressing to try when you know what the outcome will be. I want to believe that things will change, turn around for me after the new year when I come back from Saigon. I am so tired of trying, holding down my hopes to avoid disappointment and then being disappointed.

I suppose being a widow makes this even more pathetic. I almost wish it were a special category like disabled or being a veteran. In a vague sense it is. Being a widow isn’t a disability but it does set you apart from other people and you will struggle in ways that married people or single people don’t. You are in limbo, part of each group but not belonging to either one. You identify with both, but only to an extent.

The only thing I can honestly believe in right now is a bunch of guys on skates with sticks chasing a piece of frozen rubber over an ice rink.


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