dealing with disappointment

I feel like Inigo. I have had job interviews but no job offers, mostly because I tell them that I’ll be gone for 2 weeks over Christmas. Which also means the only income I have is my savings, which was another debacle. A regular transfer took 2 weeks to complete, something that normally took 2 days and I had to see my bank account overdrawn for several days knowing I could do nothing about it. I would consider going into the revenge business myself, if only I could wield a sword.

Besides being friendless, broke and unemployed (but at least not in Greenland) I am watching over my sister while she suffers with cirrhosis. It’s not something she’s thrilled about either, she has swelling in her abdomen and feet, hurts and spends most of her time trying to rest or sleep. We may be taking her back to the hospital, 3 hours away. I’m disappointed in that because the town where the hospital is located doesn’t have a Sonic; the closest Sonic is 20 miles away. And now my dad learned an old friend has passed away, the funeral is next Sunday, he’ll probably want to go though it’s 2 hours away. I may have to drive him.

I spent a year and half being a caregiver to my great-aunt, six months of that I spent every day at her house. I even left my job. It was the hardest and longest time of my life, between her and Jerry I was tired and most nights after I left my aunt’s house I cried while I drove home. I have a sense of dread it’s starting over again, it’s beginning to smell like deja vu. My dad watches most of the same shows my aunt did and now he’s even sitting in her old recliner.

This month is Jerry and my anniversary. We never did big things, no trips, no parties. We usually had dinner somewhere, gave each other cards and maybe a gift. In those early years Bear was little and we were broke. Even when Bear was older we rarely went out because Jerry wasn’t up to it. But he always remembered and I knew to expect a card, he usually put it out before I got up in the morning. I am sorry to admit I’ve thrown away most of those cards, each time we moved I tossed things that seemed like clutter. I still have a few, somewhere in those boxes in storage. Last year there was no card and though I knew I was still disappointed. There will be no card this year either, I plan to go out to eat somewhere. Last year I didn’t feel like it but this year I think I will.


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