future (warning: very depressing and futile post)

I thought about what my future is going to be like. It wasn’t pretty, it was downright depressing.

Usually I like to imagine the best possible outcomes, imagination plays a big part in my thought processes, how I see things, as maybe and with potential not as they are. It can help with problem-solving. I’ve thought outside the box before that became a thing. But it’s not always good, sometimes I ignore reality and prefer to think of the best case scenarios not the worst or the most likely.

The most likely is not encouraging. Right now I’m trying to find a job and then move into my own place, those are my immediate goals. I will find a job, at some point and it’s probably going to be here and not Seattle. I have to accept that, I am stuck here and I’m not getting out. I’m too old, I waited too long and I don’t have the money,skills or advanced degree to lift me out of where I am now. I’ll find a job, something that will pay just enough to pay the bills, with few if any extras. Meaning I may not be able to afford yoga classes, pedicures, eating out, getting sick and other luxuries The economy here supports low paying jobs, there’s not a lot of opportunity and the main industries are hurting because we put our trust in oil and agriculture. Change, progress and innovation are dirty words here. So any job I can find will not be lush, will be enough to cover basics if I am frugal and lucky enough to stay healthy.

I will find a job, find a reasonably priced, reasonably safe place to live and my pets and I will have a home again. That’s the positive part. The other parts, not so good. I will still be lonely and friendless, still odd and weird with interests that don’t fit the categories that I’m supposed to fall into. A woman my age in my circumstances should be domestic, should be looking forward to grandchildren, should like listening to country music or Michael Buble, should have short manageable hair, should enjoy the company of other women and be nosy as hell. I’m none of that, I’ve never been what is considered proper or appropriate, just conventional enough to avoid being burned at the stake. So far.

I’ll be a Crazy Old Lady, a nutty old broad who likes hockey instead of basketball or football, weird music, books and most frightening, who thinks independently and knows crap when she sees it. If all things remain the same this also means I won’t be accepted by the other old broads and I will be lonely and friendless. That’s the biggest part of not so good. I don’t mind being alone. I remember how my great-grandma and two aunts were widows who lived good lives, my cousin Bernice has been a widow a long time and she’s content too. But I also remembered that these women were financially stable, owned their own homes and more importantly, had community, friends and family around them. I got none of that. Becoming an old lady is going to really, really suck for me.

I’m not good at making friends, not social and don’t belong anywhere. I don’t fit in and frankly I really don’t like most women. All the high emotions, drama, backstabbing and competition gets on my nerves. I am comfortable being alone and when I was married that was all right. Jerry would leave me alone when I needed it but if I wanted human contact I knew he was always there. I tried to be available to him, he needed it more than I did and those times I was cranky and reluctant to listen and put my stuff aside for him are times I wish I might have back. I had Jerry so I really didn’t feel the need for friends. Now he’s gone I feel that empty space all around me.

So I’m going to be poor and lonely, struggling to get by. No wonder I am not looking forward to the future. I know I’ll be poor and lonely here too, which is adding insult to injury. I hate living here, so many reasons. Then there’s the possibility I might not be able to work or support myself, that I will have to go live with my son and his family bothers me too. I don’t want to be a burden, to be in the way, to lose my independence and deal with resentment from my future daughter-in-law. Yet I can imagine it and I don’t like it.

The sad thing is I can see this happening, that this is my future and I can’t stop it from happening. Cause I have tried, I don’t want to see my life turn out this way but right now I can’t see it being otherwise. The only reason I’m doing this is so when it does hit I can see that yep, I called it. Maybe if I am somewhat prepared it won’t be so bad. No, it probably will.

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