Focus on your breath

Which is about the only thing I can do. The job search is discouraging, though I had an interview with a temp agency today I am not expecting much. I feel frustrated and a little embarrassed, humbled. I’m living at my sister’s and dipping into the money I set aside for moving. I’ve been trying to walk more, to go to yoga and keep moving in at least one way. But I don’t do as much as I can or should.

Yoga is the one thing that makes me feel alive. I have to drag myself there most of the time but once class begins I forget about what is bothering me, for one hour I don’t feel like a failure or a loser. Even when my balance is wonky or I struggle I am only concerned with what is happening in this room and in this moment. The most important thing I can do is breathe. Focus on your breath, one of my teachers tells us. Breathe slowly and deeply, hold it for a moment then release it, slowly. Do not hurry, do not force your body to do anything that hurts, but if you want to go deeper you can. Everybody’s practice is different.

By the end of the hour I’m sweaty and my body feels lighter, looser, stronger. I’m usually thirsty and a little hungry too, but I feel better, mentally as well as physically. A friend told me it’s the oxygen that gives me clarity. I don’t want to analyze it or explain, in my opinion that defeats the purpose. It just is.

I don’t want to say yoga saves my life but it might save my sanity. I’ve been anxious about being unemployed, I had thought I’d have a job and be in Seattle by now. Now I worry that it won’t happen and I should accept that I’m just stuck here, find a job and suck it up. But finding a job here might not be easy either and I don’t know how long it will take, how long I will be at my sister’s house, how long I’ll have to pay storage fees for my crap. I feel useless, most days I try to find something to do besides watching TV. Daytime TV is a great motivator for finding a job too. I found myself going Mystery Science Theater 3000 on soap operas and judge shows.

I want to go to yoga more often but I can’t afford too many classes and have to pace myself. It’s hard to justify spending the money when I’m not working and need to keep my expenses low. But when I do it is worth the effort and cost.

Yoga has given me a goal, something I might actually be able to do. I want to do Bird of Paradise pose. I attempted it in class tonight and I looked more like Road Kill. With patience, practice and luck I should be able to do it.


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