Inertia

Sounds better than laziness but amounts to much the same thing. I don’t seem to be doing anything. I’m not working, the move is over and every day is a blank space I have to fill some way.

I should look at this as a vacation, time off, time to relax.

I went to a job fair yesterday and had a 10 minute interview before seeing the door again. I applied for 3 jobs today, 2 here and 1 in Seattle. I don’t know if any of these or any of the other applications I’ve filled out will come to anything.  I am trying to stay hopeful and remind myself it takes time. HR depts do not move quickly,  there are delays of all kinds, be patient I tell myself. Some days I seesaw between anxiety and fear. Other days it’s denial. I worry that the fact I don’t live in WA is keeping me from finding work there, that employers don’t want to deal with someone who will have to move 2,000 miles, that it’s easier to pick someone who already lives in the area.

Another concern is my weight. Frankly I eat a lot of junk food and have done some emotional eating. Granted it’s usually protein bars but it’s still chocolate and soothing. I haven’t walked in over 2 weeks. I went to yoga last night for the first time in 2 weeks. Moving took up all my time and energies, I couldn’t do anything else and I didn’t. Now that it’s over I’m not bouncing back like I thought I would. The spandex in my jeans is working harder now. I’m not scared but there’s a feeling of shame and guilt when I get dressed now. Ah, Shame and Guilt, it’s been awhile,  I almost missed you.

The occasional sense of fear, when I remember stories of people who had bypasses and then regained the weight they lost. I have worked hard to keep my weight down but any gain spurs the fear of gaining it all back. It may not be healthy but I know I’m not going back. Back to diabetes meds, taking my sugar 2 times a day, being less strong and flexible, feeling large and awkward (as opposed to just awkward) and having to  buy bigger clothes, no way. But I know I’ll feel better when my jeans feel loose, and when I get a job. I know the job is the bigger goal but I really want to feel comfortable in my clothes again.

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I bought this backrest today at a garage sale. The highlight of my day.

Job Update: I got a call from the job fair people and they scheduled an interview for me on Monday. Relief and anxiety kicked in. Then I got a call from Seattle to fill out an application here ro be faxed to them. Excitement joined relief and anxiety. I’m trying to stay stable, do my best and see what if anything comes of either one. I admit I am bullish on Seattle but will not say no to any job offered to me without thinking long and hard.

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