Last week I was in Seattle. It was the first vacation I’ve had than in years and I went by myself.
Vacations were out of the question for a long time for several reasons. Jerry was sick and couldn’t travel; we couldn’t afford it; we had to work; traveling with Bear would be too stressful and Jerry didn’t care to go anywhere too far, Dallas was far as he would go. But I am alone now, had the time built up at work and enough money for a trip provided I wasn’t too extravagant. Bear endorsed the idea, partly because I haven’t seen much of the world and partly because we were getting on each other’s nerves, too much closeness can do that. I asked his advice on planning my trip, used expedia and soon found myself in the local airport on the other side of the security barrier.
I haven’t flown since before 9/11 but he told me what to expect and to wear slip on shoes. Getting there was exciting and slightly terrifying, I forgot what turbulence felt like and recalled what a friend of mine said about flying, that it isn’t normal to be in a tin can 30,000 feet in the air. Yet take off was an adrenaline rush and seeing big city airports impressed me. Seattle really impressed me too, so much that the people there take for granted left me in awe. Buses that run til 2am and all over town! Free admission to museums! Cops who aren’t intimidating!
I might write more about the trip later, if only to preserve the memory. I had mixed feelings about taking the trip, was it too soon after Jerry’s passing and was it all right to have fun, to enjoy myself without a little guilt? I admit I felt like I was abandoning Bear especially since I left the day after his birthday. He was okay with it he said.
I did things i enjoyed, went where i wanted and it was easier than I expected. I did make mistakes I might not have if I had someone else with me, namely getting lost and following directions and map reading. I did manage even if it took me a little longer but I survived.
I need to get used to doing things on my own and to be comfortable with the idea of being alone. It is an on-going task, most times I don’t think about it, I just do because I don’t have a choice. I can’t wait for someone to take care of things and I really don’t want someone taking over, that irks me.
Bear and I went to the cemetery today to visit Jerry and see his headstone. We were satisfied with the job they did and it helped. Bear admitted he felt relieved, he wanted to go before but something always came up so finally going out there was a good thing for him. It was good for me too. I wanted him to know I haven’t forgotten, but that I think I am ready to let go because I have to. It doesn’t mean everything in my life is going to change overnight, but that my life is different now and I acknowledge it