what I want

Besides good health and safety for my loved ones, world peace, an end to hunger and to see the Wings win the Stanley Cup this year I want someone to lie next to and to be held. Someone besides Olive, though she is good company.

I had this epiphany last night, after getting comfortable and lying there willing myself to fall asleep. My hormones make their needs known, loudly and with frequency but even they acknowledge this need is greater. I miss the feel of Jerry next to me, to feel the warmth of his body
and to hear his breathing. I miss the good way it felt to hold onto him, pressing myself into him and to feel his arm around me holding me tight and secure. Even when
his health wasn’t good and he didn’t have the strength he could still slide his arm around my shoulder. The pressure and weight of him lasted until he had to shift himself to breathe. He would lie on his left then
his right but would lie flat long as possible. That’s when he would hold me or I could wrap myself around him. It didn’t lead to more, not in the later years but was often enough on its own. I am embarrassed to admit I was sometimes
frustrated and felt like I was settling for nothing. Too late I realize it was more intimate than sex and in some ways more satisfying. Some ways but not all. I miss
it.

I don’t want to resurrect him just for this, for a few moments of comfort. I am selfish but not that selfish and I doubt he’d be thrilled either. I just had a moment of weakness, one that I hadn’t expected to have. It is another part of getting on with my life, being alone. I know I’ll adjust, I’ll be all right. I still have Olive after all.

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