the girl who gives zero f*cks

I have a goal, that is to give zero f*cks about things that do not matter, that I can’t change and how to recognize those things for what they are then to give zero f*cks and move on.

I apologize if anyone is offended by the word with the asterisk in the middle.  Honestly I’m not really comfortable with the word myself.  The idea is a wonderful one though.

This is something that’s been taking form in my head for a little while.  It took on definition today when I was texting with a friend. She was upset because someone unfriended her on Facebook.  There was more to it than that but it occurred to me this was exactly what I thought about,  the zero f*cks.  It was something she couldn’t change,  it mattered very little in the grand scheme of things and wasn’t worth grieving about. She took it to heart, being a gentle and loving person.  I looked at it as less worry and drama in her life, easy to decide from a distance,  when it is not my life or my feelings being hurt.

There are those little pain pricks, slights and rejections that I have taken harder than I should.  They are worth zero f*cks and I want to give them what they deserve,  squat, zero f*cks.  It hurts the ego, my feelings can be raw and rubbed til the nerves flinch from even the lightest touch. I know I can’t change it,  all I can do is change how I respond to it. It’s a spiritual answer,  both Christian and Buddhist.

I want to accept and make my peace with those things, situations and people that don’t like or agree with me.  Not to give into anger or be defensive but to shrug and give zero f*cks.  Then move on, not dwelling or fretting about it, about what’s wrong with me or what I could have done differently.  This is going to be a long term project, I can tell.

There are people,  one in particular who doesn’t care for me. It’s a guy I tried to be friendly with and got nothing back. It bugs me more than it should, I don’t reach out to people that much and getting smacked down was a bigger blow to me than someone who is more open and extroverted. It’s kept me from trying to talk to people.  Unless they speak to me first I am not willing. I’m trying to give zero f*cks about this and move on.

I’m trying to give zero f*cks about what is expected of me. I don’t fit the mold,  that’s for sure and frankly I never have.  I’ve always messed with the demographic. But as I get older I am expected to be milder, to be awaiting the arrival of grandchildren and have short well maintained hair a shade found in nature. I’m not,  either one. I’m also expected to “get out there” and be social. I never was, not really. A couple of friends have said they expect I’ll re-marry. Again,  not really and not interested.  I admit I thought about it and took a quick look around me and that was horrifying and sad at the same time. I admit I dread the possibility that some old geezer might ask me out but so far I’m safe. Bear has given a couple of old goats the fish-eye and he’s quite intimidating. But he’s planning to go back to Asia in a couple of months. I am more concerned about his plans and that he might not return for some time. He also gives zero f*cks about what people think and I admire his bravery.

So I will pretend I give zero f*cks, until I really do. Maybe I will learn from my son how to live with my own expectations and not those of other people. I will continue to like,  listen to and do what I like,  what makes me happy. As long as it is positive,  harms no one or breaks any laws.


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