It’s the full moon and I’m on my moon, two things that make for insanity. I’ve been a little nuts; emotional and my small reserve of common sense has been depleted. I’ve had good dreams though. My imagination is going to places it shouldn’t.
I had a meltdown today, I tried but failed to not cry at work. The only good thing about it was I don’t think anyone saw and I managed to keep myself together long enough to get to my car and then let myself just cry. No loud sobs or gulping, just letting tears run down my face without stopping.
The main reason for losing it was that I felt alone and that nobody cares. I don’t have anyone to talk to, to hang out with, I don’t have anyone to even eat lunch with at work. I am alone, very much so and I don’t know what to do about it, if it can even be fixed. The truth is I do miss Jerry. Not in big dramatic ways, there’s no chance I’ll fling myself off a bridge or even fall down weeping hysterically. It’s in simple ways, like how I’d tell him about my day and lie on the bed next to him feeling reassured by his presence. Just the routine, I miss it. He was a good listener, even if he dozed off occasionally. Simply put, I don’t have that anymore and I’m aware that I am really and truly alone. I was numb the first few months and didn’t think about it. I was just taking care of details, getting on with everyday tasks and answering questions about what happened. Then for good or bad that last part ended, people forgot about my loss ( the most common phrase used). The usual daily stuff remains and I usually get through it without conscious thought.
But today that caved in and the hurt flooded through, like water in a sewer. Although i’ve known I’m alone I hadn’t realized it, honestly realized that I am indeed alone and it’s going to be a lifelong condition. I did and it sucked, seemed to suck something out of me too. I’ve said I’m okay being alone and in most cases it’s true. Despite my belief in self reliance I realize I need companionship from other humans. I don’t have that, not really and that was what I thought about when I sat in my car and cried.
As for my crazy imagination it’s nothing but silly boy crazy crap. I may be full of hormones bouncing off the walls nudging me whenever a half decent looking man is around (fortunately it doesn’t happen very often) but so far I haven’t embarrassed myself by drooling. Yet. I haven’t clicked on any of those “date a geezer” websites either so there may be hope for me. As with other things that were dormant my hormones seem to be kicking back in too, with a vengeance. I will be so glad when my moon is over. Not going to think about next month, just get through this one.
I’m also trying (and failing) to follow a sutra of Patanjali. I think most people who have done yoga are familiar with this, I’m betting it’s on a t-shirt somewhere.
Undisturbed calmness of mind is attained by cultivating friendliness towards the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and indifference towards the wicked.
He also wrote “When celibacy is firmly established, attainment of strength and capacity ensues.” For some reason this is not as popular as the first one.