beginning widowhood

Technically I am not a widow; Jerry and I were legally divorced when he died although we were living together at the time. Since we were married for more than 20 years,more than half my life, I consider myself a widow. I refer to him as my husband to most people, it’s easier and I feel I owe it to him.

Getting used to his absence, remembering that he’s not here anymore is pretty routine now. I go into the back room where he died and put away my laundry but can’t bring myself to stay there, why it’s become a storage room. I am adjusting, something I tell people if they ask how I’m doing. It doesn’t happen much any more

Some things have surprised me. Like getting life insurance offers for Jerry in the mail. Having Facebook suggest
“I’m not a widow, I’m a wife whose husband is waiting” t-shirts. Having Facebook and Yahoo suggest dating sites.

I don’t think the insurance companies have updated info, why they send junk mail that I rip up and throw away. The other two are presumptuous and while I roll my eyes at them I also wonder how many women have felt traumatized. Being reminded of your loss and pain by sparkly letters is bad enough but making a profit from it is reprehensible. The dating stuff is just insulting, as if your mourning ended when the funeral ended and it’s time to find someone already. The bills and creditors are nothing compared to this, dealing with them is business. They know Jerry is gone and don’t tell me how I should live. They just want money and I appreciate that honesty.

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