three weeks

It’s been 3 weeks since Jerry died. I wrote “has been gone” then changed it since it was too passive and I don’t want to use weak euphemisms instead of simple, more accurate words.

The official business of death, the dreary stuff that comes after the funeral and the condolences, is what I’m working on now. I took his mom to the airport and got her off safely, I canceled his gym membership, had his car’s insurance policy canceled and transferred to mine, sent some steaks to the guy who broke the news about Jerry to his mom, got a certified copy of our divorce decree, made an appt with Social Security, and met with an attorney. The attorney was a colossal waste of time, I could have found more info online and not have had to take off from work to do it. I am also looking for a new probate attorney.

I’m house hunting too, more like condo hunting since I realized the cost of new appliances and maintenance, and the thought of mowing my own lawn did not appeal to me. It’s been illuminating, there are lots of cheap houses out there, most of the ones in my price range are in scruffy neighborhoods, some of which have been featured on the local news and not in a good light. But there are some houses I’d consider, if I was planning to do the work and make the effort. I admit I’m not looking to settle into a place forever, even if I am considering buying because frankly I’ve wanted out of this town since I was a kid and some little voice says “time’s running out, and you don’t have any more excuses, not really.” Since most of my family has passed on and I’m not really close to those left there’s not much holding me here. Even Bear is moving on, he plans to settle somewhere else with greater opportunity, better public transportation and better museums. The only advantage this city has, in his opinion, is the Mexican food. Myself I’d like to find a city with more bookstores. But that’s farther down the line, right now I have to find a new place to live and soon. I’m going to pursue an Indian home loan and hope I can find a place and get approved by the end of the month.

I’ve gone back to yoga and felt better after. The breathing and stretching helped the tension in my back and shoulders, something I hadn’t been aware of until after I noticed the tightness was gone. I have gone to walk only a few times with Bear but they were short walks, about a mile. I want to get back into the habit of walking 2-3 times a week and slowly increasing my distance. I’m not in the same physical condition and I am beginning to feel it and don’t like it. I miss having the energy to keep going and not have to slow down. I know a lot of this is the shock and changes we’re all having to face but my body is starting to rebel. One of the books on grief that I read claimed that regular exercise helps people heal faster and feel better, even short walks were helpful. So if I think of it as therapeutic maybe I’ll be more inclined to go.

I’ve been listening to a lot of DM and I usually hit repeat when this song plays.

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One thought on “three weeks

  1. QP, I am so sorry to hear about the loss. I hope you find the strength to stay the course. I lost my daughter back in 2004, we are coming up on the 10th anniversary of her death and I am trying to think of a way to memorialize her short life. Her strength and the memory of it has kept me going many a time. I give myself over to the grief each year for her birthday and the anniversary of her death. I don’t apologize for it, its my chance to remember and embrace what she meant to me and how painful the loss was and is. The way I feel about it, I don’t have explain it to anyone. Its the two times a year when yes, it is all about me and the relationship I miss having. I wish you peace, and happiness.

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