whoa crap

I went to a different yoga class tonight; I didn’t make it to my usual class last night and made it up. It was a Vinyasa class, lots of deep breathing and holding poses a little longer than the Continual Flow class I go to on Wednesdays.

I was late but the teacher was laid back and I found a spot and joined the class, no worries. I found a splinter in my mat, plucked it out and did my downward dog like usual. Again no worries.

A few minutes into class I felt something odd. My bra came undone. I was doing mountain pose, my arms lifted overhead and boom. More like a small pop, but the worn hooks gave out and I had to decide if I was going to quit or just tough it out. I could have made a run for the dressing room and put things back in place but it would be distracting and awkward. I’d have to find my place again and I decided to go with the tough it out option.

A rogue bra is not dangerous in that I would cause anyone any physical harm but I wondered if the girl and guy on the other sides of me or the people behind me could tell and if they would be either amused or appalled. In the past, before I had my bypass I would have probably left, not just fleeing to the dressing room but leaving and feeling incredibly stupid. I did feel incredibly stupid because I was wearing an old oversized bra and that sucker turned on me, but I stayed. Frankly it’s not the worst thing to happen and I wasn’t going to let it be a big deal. I’m trying to be less self-conscious and not worry that people are judging me. They may very well be but probably not as much or as harshly as I do myself. So I finished my class, tugging at my shirt when it rode up but otherwise doing nothing different.

I was late for class and in the past I might have not even tried, I would have turned around and gone home. Feeling I was a failure for being late, drawing unwanted attention to myself by walking in after class had started and knowing everyone was looking at me for a second or two, any of these would have led me to give up and not open the door and see if there was any space left. Simply going in was a small victory for me and finishing the class gave me a sense of  gratitude, for my practice and that I am not large busted.

I am not supremely confident or especially enlightened, I am still a dork and will always be a dork. Looking different does affect the way people see me and treat me and I am still surprised by their reactions. It’s one of the things I’m still getting used to, along with the amazing things my body is capable of doing. I’m also going to buy some new bras, maybe one of those little stretchy sports bras that women sometimes wear as tops. I won’t be doing that though, I don’t even own a pair of shorts.

i

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