ehhhh

I am not motivated to train for the upcoming Memorial Marathon. I wanted to do the half again, even said so but the will to do the actual work is weak. I’m complacent and lazy and I know it. Because I can do the 5K, could do a 5K now and unless I stop altogether will do the 5K in April. To do the half is not as easy, it is bloody tough. It’s the equivalent of 4 5Ks, at once. This thought came to me while I was doing the half, about 8 miles in and it was hammering in my head those last 3 miles. A lot was going on physically those last three miles so the mental part took over and it’s how I finished the race.

It’s cold outside, it gets dark too early and I have to be at work at 6am. If I work out in the evening it can’t be after 8pm on a week night because I won’t fall asleep until midnight and I have to be up at 5 and that won’t work. I could have gone to the gym yesterday since it was Sunday but I was a slug, all I wanted to do was sit and read and reading won. Reading usually wins over any other activity and it is the blessing and bane of my existence.

There’s a very narrow window of workout time but I’m not using it as I should. I’m just not motivated, I feel jaded. I know what I am capable of, I know what I can’t do as well but even that isn’t enough to get me off my flat semi-jiggly butt. I can coast along, working out 2-3 times a week and do the 5K. I’ll still get a t-shirt and medal. The 5K is cheaper too. But some very small voice pipes up now and then and says “you could do the half again, if you tried. If you cared enough and made the time for it, you did it last time.” Even though last time I staggered those last few miles and every muscle in my legs screamed in pain that day. I told myself then that the next time I’d take more time to train, to work up to the distance and speed slowly, gradually, so I wouldn’t be this sore again. I had started training by this time last year and finished just barely. If I was realistic about doing the half again I’d be pushing myself now and I am sitting here with a sleeping dog and a big cup of Crystal Light. Not bad but no way I could finishing the race at this rate. The race is in 75 days. Seriously.

There’s also my advancing age, something I tend to forget. I’ve been fortunate to not have any injuries beyond a sore right knee that only acts up when I take the stairs before my body has fully awakened. There are runners out there as old as me and even older but wait awhile and you will hear about their injuries and limitations too. I notice that the more I train, either at the lake or on the treadmill I begin to lose some flexibility. Don’t want to do that either, I want to be as strong and healthy as possible as long as possible. I don’t want to have to choose between walking/jogging and yoga and I don’t think I have to do so. Ironically I do have some strength in my legs and bones built up from all those years carting around extra weight. While being overweight is not healthy the one advantage is it does require your body to be strong enough to carry those extra pounds. it’s like a non-stop weight bearing exercise. It also causes other parts to deteriorate as well, joints especially. Why my knee hurts sometimes; it remembers having to lift and bear the force of that extra weight for years and it lets me know it.

I have a fear of gaining it all back too. I did gain over the holidays and I’m working to get those pounds off and keep them off. I think about the horror stories, people who lost weight after a bypass or sleeve and then gained it all back. Some even weighed more than they did before the operation. My jeans are not as loose as they should be but at least I’m not gaining. I’m losing very slowly, part of the advanced age, but I’m determined not to be another horror story. At least in this realm.

But as for goals, I’m a little low on motivation. I’ve been watching the Olympics and admit it was a shot of motivation. It got me to the gym for awhile. I know I could never do the things I see these athletes do on TV but just watching people push themselves to be stronger, faster and better, to be determined and concentrate on a goal is good. Then I look at my sad self in my pajamas and say “nah” and go get a handful of pretzels during the commercials. I am looking forward to hockey, men’s hockey, starting on Thursday and will feel less awkward watching that while eating pretzels since it’s something I do already.

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