It’s been awhile

I haven’t posted awhile because there’s been nothing I really felt the need to mention. Little personal details, like my divorce becoming final last month, are all that’s been happening.

I was at work yesterday, I work at a low-paying, soul-sucking, morale-destroying retail job, when a woman came in and said she recognized me. She knew me, by sight, from The Gorn’s support group. She told me I looked good and I felt flattered enough to ask about her surgery and how much she’s lost. She told me she had her surgery in April and has already lost 40 pounds. She feels great and some of her health problems are already gone. She had a problem with constipation and stomach issues. On the personal side she was there for a get well card for her mom, who has been sick awhile and she’s now caring for her. She had the lap band and is getting her fills at another doctor’s office at a different hospital than the ones where The Gorn had privileges. It’s working for her and she’s thrilled. We talked around other people and I told her, warned her really, that her relationships with people are going to change and to be aware of it. She said she’s already seeing it happen. I threw in that I was divorced now, just to expect changes but that the changes will be good ones.  She nodded and seemed to understand, I only hope she enjoys her new body and finds strength she may not have known she possesses. I know I did.

But it wasn’t always the best way to learn, though I feel like I’m regressing in a way.  In a good way, I feel like I’m coming into my own strength again, like I had when I was younger and believed that I could do almost anything. Before I knew better, but this time around I can see where my strengths are and acknowledge my weaknesses, unlike before when I preferred to ignore any weakness or consider it as failure. I know I can take care of my own damn self, I’ve been doing it all along, even while I was married, especially while I was married. When I announced my divorce everyone around me said the same things. What will happen to my husband and my son? Will they be all right? How are they dealing with it? Only one person, my dear friend of 20+ years (we met in kindergarten, not really but it makes me feel a little less old) asked how I was. She called me 2 nights ago too, to check on me because she knew I was having a hard time dealing with another issue. So apparently all these people, including my sisters and dad, knew I could handle this, I figured I could too. I learned I like being alone. Considering my situation and current lack of close-by friends, that’s a darned good thing. I do like my solitude, the result of being an only child for 15 years and I still consider myself an only even though I have 2 younger sisters. I can find small things to enjoy, things that don’t cost a lot of money and that I can enjoy on my own. Like buying a diet snowball at Hawaiian Mike’s, blue coconut is my current favorite. I had the regular watermelon and it was sweet but gave me a sugar high/low. My body reacts strongly to refined sugar and I need to watch it, I’m not experiencing diabetic symptoms but I still avoid most sweets. My body also responds to exercise, I’m taking yoga classes twice a week, three if my schedule permits. I’m going to a Continual Flow class, where we hold the poses for a second and move on, it is hard and I pour sweat after a few minutes, I can’t always do all the poses and it kicks my butt but I love it. I like to challenge myself now, rather than hang back and say it’s too hard and I’ll look foolish. I do look foolish but I don’t care.

One thing that also encourages me is astrology, Even though I don’t believe in it, that the stars hold our destiny or whatever, I like to read the personality profile of my sign, Aries. I’ll look it up on google and read that I am strong, fearless, a leader, tough, willing to take chances and that I will achieve any (semi-reasonable) goal I set my sights on. It’s good affirmation and though I am skeptical about the whole thing I like hearing I’m not weak or afraid. Some days it is the only encouragement I hear. I still pray and that makes a difference in my life, I can pray for others easily, even those who have hurt me, but I feel awkward asking for myself, asking the same old things, But I’m doing it and some days i can feel the difference, I do things I could not do or have the courage to do previously. Right now I’m thinking of going on vacation this fall, by myself. Go where I want, do what I want and enjoy the experience. I haven’t decided where I’m going yet, that’s the only setback so far. I also decided yesterday that I’m finally going on a honeymoon. Alone, of course. I’m going to take a trip somewhere I’ve always wanted to go and do it right, spend a bit of cash and really enjoy myself. We never had a honeymoon, we stayed overnight in a hotel in town after we were married but that was it, we never went on a belated honeymoon later either like I’ve heard some couples do. We never had the time or money but the truth is we never made it a priority and that probably says something about my marriage too. So I want my honeymoon, I figure it’s better late than never. After I get back from my vacation I’ll start thinking about where I want to go and about making it happen. Paris is my first obvious choice with London a very close second but we will see,

I love this song. I apologize for the dirty bits and the F-word if that offends you but as for me I feel the need for that word in this song, in my case anyway. This woman rocks and I envy her flexibility too.

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