I went to the mall yesterday and it was peculiar. I went to Victoria’s Secret, I needed a strapless bra for a dress and I’ve never been there shopping for myself. I went with my little sister once, once because she asked. I found my bra, it wasn’t as traumatic or difficult as I expected but there was one funny aspect. For the first time I felt like I had big boobs. Their bras only go up to a 38, I’m a 40C. I managed to stuff myself into a 38 and called it fine.

Going to the mall was peculiar for another reason. I noticed a man checking me out. Not in a blatant tongue hanging out way but watching me. I think it may have been the Victoria’s Secret bag. I felt a little scared and wondered why was this man looking at me? Was he security, thinking I was a shoplifter, did he think he knew me or was he going to steal my purse? The look lasted for about a second, I only caught it because I was digging in my purse for my phone. I don’t remember a lot about the man, he was middle-aged, probably around my age and he was wearing a ball cap.  It wasn’t until later that it occurred to me he was checking me out.  I was a little flattered but surprised and grateful he wasn’t going to mug me.  I noticed the same thing coming out of the grocery store, one of the cart guys, a high school aged kid probably and an older man were standing near the door and I saw both of them turn their heads toward me. They were talking about something but I didn’t hear them. I was the only female coming out of the door, there was another man and a little girl coming in at the same time I was going. I thought it was strange at the time. It may have been because I’m not a regular at that store and they noticed a stranger.

I may be misinterpreting all this, maybe those men were looking elsewhere and I was just in the general area. I’m not a bombshell, not the kind of woman men stop and stare at, heck, I’m too old. I’m not beautiful, I don’t draw attention to myself and I don’t dress provocatively. Yet since I’ve lost weight I look better and feel better, I can wear clothes in smaller sizes and enjoy trying them on when I dreaded it before. I’ve bought things I wouldn’t have bought before, like skirts. For the most part I like the way I look, there are things I’d like to change but everyone feels that way about their bodies. The psychiatrist I had to see before my surgery said that after patients lose weight they typically begin to feel better about themselves and more confident and this translates to their behavior and others pick up on the positive vibes. I think this is probably what I’m feeling. Compared to a 20 yr old I am of course a withered old broad. But as old broads go I am not so badly off, no beauty to be sure but healthy, a little overweight but  healthy. My legs are strong, I can feel the muscles in my thighs, I’m flexible and have no trouble going up stairs or walking long distances (nothing over 10 miles). I’m also more endowed than those women who buy their bras at Victoria’s Secret.


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