I dyed my hair again; it’s Clariol Dark Brown all over now. I’m trying to take care of things, those little tasks that I’ve ignored for as long as possible. Today I took the car in for an oil change and ended up with a $700 bill for repairs. Good-bye tax refund.
I’ve been in a funk, a light depression that allowed me to function but not accomplish much. I have things to do, errands, chores and general family maintenance and managed them all. I doubt those around me were even aware I was in a funk, I certainly didn’t mention it or draw attention to myself.
The weather has changed here, it’s Spring, in all it’s Vivaldi glory. Warmth, the beauty of new growing things (and pollen), the sun and light illuminating even the dark and dull places. There’s the promise of second chances and that has made the difference to me.
I called to check on my aunt’s headstone and to check on whether my permanent crown was ready. Both of these were supposed to take a couple of weeks, I hadn’t heard and I almost forgot about them. Neither is ready yet but at least I called to find out.
I’ve also been looking for a job, something I’ve been doing for almost a year, I gave up a couple of months ago, Christmas was my excuse even though I didn’t have much to do. I was tired of trying and quit caring. I inherited a little money a few months prior which helped with the bills so I didn’t have that sense of fear working for me any longer. I’m still not working full-time but have a temp job coming up. It’s not ideal but it’s better than nothing. I’ve looked at a couple of job websites too. There’s not a lot out there but I’m going to apply for a couple of jobs that look promising. I hope I don’t have to but if nothing else I may have to go back to Retail Hell to find a job. Not looking forward to the prospect but realize it’s a possibility.
I went out to walk/jog at the lake yesterday. It was warm, windy and felt good to be outside. I only stayed for 35 minutes, 3 minutes jogging, 3 minutes walking. It’s radically different from the treadmill and takes more effort, I can feel the effect much faster too. I have yoga class tonight too, I thought about not going but I need it. I didn’t go Saturday because we had plans but mostly because I was lazy. When I look at myself I can’t see any difference, all that effort must be working somewhere. I know I will not achieve that elusive Yoga Butt for a long, long time. If ever. I try not to dwell on it though. Try.
I had felt a little bummed by the fact I haven’t seen any change in my body yet. My jeans aren’t looser, I look the same and felt discouraged. Especially when I go to the lake and see healthy, fit and strong people out there, most of them passing me by. Why am I doing this anyway? I admire the dedication and discipline it takes to look like that and to move effortlessly and I want that too. I remind myself that’s the result of hard work but that these people probably have better genes than I do too. Some of these people probably run marathons, some are ultrarunners, serious badasses. I am a weenie who has to carry Kleenex because of her allergies.
My idea of what is a badass changed too. Some guy who can run 26 miles in under 3 hours is tough. But most of these people do this because it feels good, they have a sense of accomplishment. The results are obvious, they can meet personal challenges with some effort and the physical rewards are apparent to everyone. Until yesterday I considered someone like this a badass,
Then on the way to my car I saw an elderly man pushing a walker. He was dressed in sweats and ball cap, even though it was 70 degrees out. He moved slowly, I could tell it took some effort to take those steps and to keep moving. I don’t know how long he had been out there, how far he had walked. Yet he kept going. He finally stopped and stretched, bending down with his fingertips level with his knees. That took effort too, he didn’t lean forward quickly or smoothly, he did it slowly and held the position for a few seconds before standing up again. The whole exercise took a lot of effort, probably hurt like heck but he did it, didn’t quit or give up because it was hard or uncomfortable. His goal is probably not to run a marathon or to run faster than someone else. He wants to be mobile, not to be dependent or feel helpless. He was out there increasing his strength, pushing his body as much as anyone else, perhaps even more. He wasn’t giving up.